


i know im hard to take (my bones are calling out your name)

by atthedivide



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x20 Fix-It, 15x20 coda, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dialogue Heavy, First Kiss, Fix-It, Love Confessions, M/M, probably OOC but its fine, two emotionally repressed men try to talk about their feelings what could go wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:02:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27693845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atthedivide/pseuds/atthedivide
Summary: An angel and an emotionally repressed monster hunter try to talk about their feelings. It goes about as well as expected, but they get there in the end.or, cas saves dean and dean has to deal with the feelings that come with that
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 115





	i know im hard to take (my bones are calling out your name)

**Author's Note:**

> hi again. this is my second spn fic in as many days. i'm spiraling if you couldn't tell. this one kinda got away from me but i think it turned out okay. it was cathartic to write as least, so i hope yall get something out of it too. still not edited or beta'd bc who has the time for that

There’s something stuck into Dean’s back. It’s sharp and rough and it absolutely shouldn’t be there. But it is. Dean almost can’t feel the pain anymore, but he knows he’s losing blood. Sam’s in front of him crying and Dean’s pretty sure he’s crying too and it’s hard to focus on anything besides his head spinning. Sam is saying something to him but his brain can’t nail down the words. He’s trying so hard to stay present, to not let his eyes slip closed but his whole body feels heavy and he doesn’t know how much longer he can hang on. He raises his eyes to meet Sam’s one last time and uses what feels like all this strength to lift his mouth into a smile. It might’ve looked more like a grimace, but he didn’t have the energy to try again.

He pulls a painful, wet breath into his lungs and grits out an ‘It’ll be okay, Sammy.”

Then his head drops forward because he can’t hold up the weight of it anymore and he thinks  _ So this is it.  _

He thinks he sees a flash of light behind Sam, but it could just be stars in his waning vision. He feels hands on his arms and sees a face duck down into his line of sight, but he can’t place whose face it is. It must just be Sam. He’s so tired.

He vaguely hears someone say his name, but it doesn’t sound like Sam.  _ Who else is here?  _ One person he wishes were here flashes through his mind, but he knows it’s impossible.

Suddenly he’s moving, or being moved, and then he’s on his back staring at the roof of the barn. The face from before moves over him again and he finally registers it as  _ Cas’ face.  _ Cas can’t be here though. Cas is dead. That must mean Dean is dead too, or close to it. Maybe he and Cas managed to end up in the same afterlife somehow. 

That thought comforts him as his eyes slip closed and the world goes dark.

  
  
  
  


The first thing Dean registered when he regained consciousness was that he was cold. He could feel that he was in a bed and that there were blankets on him, but he was still cold. He opened his eyes, or tried to, as they were stuck together with sleep-gunk that hinted that he’d been asleep for a long time. He pulled his hands out of the blankets and rubbed at his eyes until he was able to crack them open. The soft light of the room still seemed overly bright to him.

Dean rolled over into his side, intending to stand up, but pain rocked through him. His entire body felt stiff, like he’d been laying in one position for far too long. One spot on his back specifically twinged more than anywhere else.  _ That‘s where the nail went.  _ He took a moment to stop and let blood flow back into his muscles before pushing upright. He rubbed at his eyes again and took notice of the room around him. He was in his bedroom in the bunker.  _ Weird place for heaven to drop me  _ he thought. Everything looked exactly like how he had left it, down to the empty beer bottles and scatter of papers on his desk. What’s even stranger was that he was wearing plaid pajama pants and a shitty Scooby-Doo t-shirt that he’d gotten Sam from a rest stop in New Mexico a couple years back. He didn’t understand what the hell was going on. Why wouldn’t he have ended up in a mountainside cabin or a beach bungalow, if this was really heaven? Why would the powers that be just drop him back into his regular bedroom like nothing had changed? Like he wasn’t dead? 

But the thing was, he didn’t _ feel  _ dead. He’d been dead, a few times, and this time still felt strangely like life. His body hurt and his head was pounding and he remembered that there isn’t pain after death, unless you were in hell, and he’s pretty sure this wasn’t hell. But he remembered blacking out, remembered hallucinating Cas in his last moments. He couldn’t have survived that could he?

He sat on the edge of the bed lost in his existential crisis until a knock at the door scared him out of his spiral. He briefly panicked about who was on the other side of the door, but decided he’s already dead, so fuck it.

“Yeah?” he called. The door cracked open and Sam stepped inside. The pieces clicked into place in Dean’s head because there’s no  _ way _ Sam managed to get himself killed too. He’s not that stupid.

“I’m not dead, am I?” Dean asked before Sam could get a word out. Sam looked briefly confused before huffing out a laugh.

“No.” he said, shaking his head. “You got close, but you're not dead, just dramatic. Do you remember what happened?” He asked, moving to sit down in Dean’s desk chair.

Dean felt a flood of relief in his veins. He wasn’t dead. He could work with that.

“Um… That clown vamp guy pushed me into that spike right? That’s why my back hurts?” He looked at Sam for confirmation. Sam nodded. “Then I remember pain, and then you were there, and then … I don’t know. I remember I was laying down all the sudden and then I saw-” He cut himself off, “then I blacked out. I figured I died. Guess not.”

Dean didn’t want to tell Sam about seeing Cas, not yet. He wasn’t really up for sharing the fact that the last thing he’d seen before he died was the angel who’d confessed his love and then promptly gotten sent to hell. That felt like a lot to unpack and Dean didn’t want to do that in front of Sam. Or ever.

“Yeah, that’s um… that’s basically what happened. Some-” Sam hesitated. “Some help showed up before you passed out. We managed to get you patched up before anything really bad happened, but it was close. We got you back here and kept you knocked out for a few days while you healed. Do you feel alright now? I can get you more pain meds.”

Dean shook his head. “Nah, nothing hurts that bad, I’m just sore all over. Feel like I got run over by a dump truck.”

Sam huffed out a laugh. He stood and moved over to Dean, resting a hand on his shoulder. Dean looked up at him and he could see the toll this had taken on Sam. He looked exhausted.

“Don’t you do that shit again, do you hear me?” Sam said hoarsely, squeezing Dean’s shoulder tight. “We’re done with this shit now, okay. We’ve put our time in. We’ve both given our lives for this. No more monsters. No more hunts. No more dying until we’re old and fat and smell like mothballs, okay?”

Dean laughed and squeezed Sam’s hand on his shoulder. He could tell that Sam meant it - he was done. And surprisingly Dean found he wasn’t opposed to retiring too. He was tired of fighting.

“Yeah okay, Sammy. No more dying.” Dean said. He could see the relief in Sam’s eyes. Sam patted his shoulder once and stepped back.

“There’s pain meds in the kitchen if you need them. There’s also um,” Sam said and paused, looking slightly unsure of what to say next. “There’s someone here who wants to check on you. Is it okay if I send them in?”

Dean was confused as to who would  _ care  _ to be here, but he nodded anyway. Sam smiled at him then turned and left the room, leaving the door open behind him. Dean let out a breath and rubbed his hands over his face. He was truly shocked that he was still alive. He didn’t really want to think about how close Sam had said it’d been. He’d handled demon possession and angel possession and heaven and hell and resurrection and  _ God _ , but a vampire in a clown mask and rusty nail had nearly been the thing that finally killed him for good. He let out an almost hysterical laugh and stood up from the bed, still trying to shake out the stiffness in his body. 

“You really should take the pain medication Sam offered.” Said a voice that was so deeply ingrained in Dean’s psyche he couldn’t deny it if he wanted to. Dean whipped his head toward the doorway so fast he felt something pop in his neck. He ignored it.

Cas was standing in the doorway. Plain as day. In black slacks and a white button up, a tie hanging loose around his neck. His hands were stuck into his pockets and his sleeves were rolled halfway up his forearms. Dean’s mind briefly whited out from the onslaught of thoughts, of  _ emotions,  _ and he couldn’t do anything but stand there in a Scooby-Doo t-shirt with his mouth hanging open.

“Hello, Dean.” Cas said, like he always said, and Dean’s brain stuttered back into gear. He was across the room with his arms locked around Cas in a split second, holding on like his life depended on it. Cas wrapped his arms around Dean’s torso and held tight, and all Dean could do was bury his face into Cas’ neck and breathe him in. Finally, he pulled back and held Cas at arm's length.

“Hey, Cas.” He said, unable to stop the smile from sliding onto his face. Cas tucked his hands back into his pockets and offered Dean a small smile back. He was happy, Dean could tell, but he was shuttering himself off, staying distant. Dean felt a pang in his chest.

“So I wasn’t hallucinating you on my deathbed then?” He joked, trying to tug Cas out of his shell. Cas tilted his head, eyebrows furrowed, in the same way they always did when he was confused.

“Of course not. I pulled you off the nail. I healed you with my residual grace. Why would you have hallucinated me?” Cas asked. 

“I thought I was dying, Cas. I thought  _ you  _ were dead, too, down in the Empty. It’s the only thing that made sense to me at the time.” Dean explained. “How are you here, by the way? How the hell are you back?”

The mask slipped a little and Cas cracked a smile, his eyes shining.

“Jack. He got me out as soon as he was able. He made a deal with the Empty and she let me go. I’ve been helping him rebuild Heaven ever since. It’ll be different from now on, with Jack in charge. It’ll be good.” Cas told him, pride pouring out with every word. Dean felt it too. He knew Jack would be good for the world. 

“How long have you- When did you get back?” Dean asked, trying to be casual, but scared to hear the answer.

“Three weeks ago. Jack got me out three days after I- after I left.” Cas said, after a second’s hesitation. 

Three weeks. Cas had been alive for three weeks. And he hadn’t come back to them. Dean felt that knowledge sink like lead in his stomach. He closed his eyes and took a breath. 

“Why didn’t you come back?” Dean got out, trying to keep his voice steady. He looked hard at Cas, whose face was schooled into deliberate indifference. ”We waited for you, because you’ve come back every time before. But you didn’t this time. We mourned you, Cas. This place was like a grief pit for days. I even got a  _ dog _ to try to fill even a little bit the hole that you left in us. In  _ me.  _ Why the hell didn’t you come back, Cas?”

Dean’s hands were shaking by the time he finished. He felt like he was walking a knife’s edge, and was scared to find out what lay on either side. Cas hadn’t moved an inch in the time he’d been talking. He’d just watched Dean’s face. Dean didn’t know what he was watching for.

Finally Cas said, “I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to.”

Dean’s first thought was  _ jesus fucking christ.  _

“You weren’t sure if-“ Dean let out a hysterical laugh, dropping his head into his hands. It was absurd, Cas thinking that. Dean raised his head and met Cas’ timid eyes, feeling like he was coming apart at the seams. “You thought we didn’t want you back. Cas, I know you’re an all-powerful angel so no offence or whatever, but that is the single stupidest fucking thing you have ever said. We are  _ family  _ you angelic fucking idiot. That means we’re stuck together. Forever. Even if we fight, or we betray each other, or if we don’t speak for years. Together, no matter what. We need you, Cas.  _ I need you.” _

Dean was breathing hard, feeling entirely out of his element but unable to convince himself to hold back. Cas just stared at him with wide eyes, his mouth opened slightly. 

“I didn’t,” Cas started softly. He swallowed hard. “I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. After-” He stopped, snapping his mouth shut. He looked terrified

Dean closed his eyes and took another breath. Cas was gonna be the death of him, for real someday. He needed to change the subject before he lost his mind entirely.

“You mentioned a deal with the Empty. What deal, Cas? What did Jack give away?” Dean asked quietly, fear creeping into his head. He knew how making deals with the supernatural went, and it never ended well for anybody. Cas looked him dead in the eye, seeming grateful for the subject change.

“Jack didn’t give anything away. I offered.” He said. Fear struck deeper into Dean’s heart.

“Cas, what did you give it?”

“My grace.” Cas said, and Dean sucked in a breath. 

“Why would you give that up?” He asked, his heart hurting for Cas. He’d seen Cas without his grace. He knew how hard it was for him. 

“To get out. To come back. You don’t know what it was like in there. It was just- nothing. Forever. Empty and black and lonely. Maybe I could've handled it better back at the beginning, when I was still a soldier, but now…” He took a shuddering breath. “I’ve adapted to enjoy the presence of humans. To  _ want  _ it. It was only three days up here but down there it felt like centuries. By the time Jack showed up I would’ve given anything to leave. So I did.”

He looked so broken, all Dean could do was grab him again and pull him close. Cas buried his face in Dean’s neck, and Dean cradled the back of his head. He ran his fingers through the soft strands and just held him there for a while.

“I’m so sorry, Cas. That you had to give that up.” He whispered into Cas’ hair.

Cas pulled back and looked at him with red rimmed eyes. Dean could count on one hand the amount of times he’d seen Cas cry, and his heart shattered a little more.

“I didn’t give it all up. Most of it, but not all. I had a little left when I got out, but-” Cas started, his voice thick. He looked at Dean, his eyes pleading. “Please don’t freak out.” He said.

“What?” Dean asked, scared to hear the answer.

“I um- I used it up healing you two days ago.”

Dean’s stomach dropped out.

“Why would you do that, Cas. Why would you waste your grace on  _ me? _ ” Dean didn’t know what the fuck to do with this. Cas had used up the rest of his divine energy to save him from dying, and Dean couldn’t stop the tears from falling.

“Because you were dying. And you deserve to live _ ,  _ Dean. You’ve fought so hard, you’ve lost so much, and you deserve to be able to live in the world that  _ you _ helped create.” Cas told him firmly, no hint of regret or hesitation. Dean was unraveling.

“Why?” Was all that came out of his mouth, his voice sounding raw and broken to his own ears. Cas looked at him hard, resolve clear in his eyes, like he’d finally made a decision.

“You know why.” Cas said. And Dean did. He took a gasping, shuddering breath, fully prepared to make a confession of his own, but all that came out was-

“You stupid, self-sacrificial idiot. My life isn’t half as important as yours, Cas. You’re  _ everything _ . How could you do that to yourself? I don’t mean to come off ungrateful, but jesus Cas, I’m not worth that.” He was rambling and he couldn’t help it. Then he realized that Cas looked angry. He looked  _ furious. _

“How dare you?” Cas said, his voice low. “How dare you disrespect my love for you like that. I would die a million times over if it meant you got to take one more breath on this Earth. Giving up my grace for you to live was  _ nothing _ , Dean. I understand that you don’t feel the same but you will have to deal with me loving you for the rest of your life. I won’t apologize for it.”

Dean kissed him. Everything he’d kept buried away inside himself for 12 years, everything he was always scared to look too closely at, had led to this moment. His hands cradled Cas’ face like it was the most precious thing on the planet, because it was.  _ He _ was. It took Cas a few heartbeats to respond, but then his arms came up and gripped Dean’s t-shirt, pulling him closer. Cas’ mouth opened under his and Dean let out a small whine in the back of his throat. They stumbled backwards until Cas’ back hit the door frame. He moved farther into Cas’ space until there wasn’t an inch of space between them. One of Cas’ arms had snaked around Dean’s waist, and the other hand was tangled in the front of his shirt. Dean had experienced heaven and hell and everything in between, but Cas’ mouth was something else entirely. He felt like nothing bad could ever touch him again.

After a few minutes or hours, Dean pulled back and rested his forehead against Cas’. They were both flushed and breathing hard and Dean felt like he was floating.

“In case that didn’t clear it up, I feel exactly the same way about you. I was just a lot slower at realizing it.” Dean said softly. Cas smiled, and Dean felt his heart expand. “And I’m sorry for yelling. You make me feel so much and sometimes I can’t get it to come out right.” Dean said, pulling back to look into Cas’ eyes. They were shining.

“I’m used to your outbursts by now. You always get there in the end.” Cas said, and kissed him again. It felt  _ right _ and Dean wondered how they hadn’t made it here years ago.

“So, I’m human now.” Cas whispered when he pulled back.

“You’ve been human before.” Dean told him.

“Yes, but now it’s permanent. And I didn’t have my grace stolen this time. I gave it up. For you.” 

Dean still wasn’t sure he could ever get his mind around that. 

“And I love you for it. Even if I gave you shit for it at first.” Dean said with a grin. He sobered and looked Cas in the eye, wanting to make sure Cas knew he meant it. “Thank you, Cas. For everything, but especially for that. You’ve given up so much for me and for Sam and I don’t know how I could ever make it up to you, but I’m gonna spend my life trying. If you’ll have me.”

“Of course, Dean. But you’ve sacrificed for me too, you don’t owe me anything. Not a thing. How about we call it even?” Cas said with a smile. 

“Yeah, we can do that.” Dean answered, and kissed him. 

“I know this is romantic and all but the door is digging into my very human back.” Cas mumbled against Dean’s mouth. He’d forgotten they were still tangled together in the doorway. Dean pulled back laughing.

“Come on you big baby.” He grabbed Cas’ hand and pulled him towards the bed. 

As he turned and flopped backwards onto the mattress, he landed on the sore spot where he’d been stabbed. It didn’t hurt all that bad but Cas must’ve seen it in his face because he stopped short and said, “Pain pills. In the kitchen. I’ll go get you some.”

He leaned down and kissed Dean again, and pulled back smiling.

“Thank you, oh great savior angel. Patron saint of pain pills and kissing men in Scooby-Doo t-shirts.” Cas rolled his eyes and turned for the door. 

“Hey,” Dean said softly. Cas turned. “I love you.”

Cas smiled bigger and more real than Dean had ever seen him smile, and Dean felt warm all over.

“I love you too.”

And then he went to get Dean pain pills, and maybe talk to Sam or pat Miracle, and Dean was happy.

**Author's Note:**

> hmu on twitter @gideonnavs  
> or tumblr @lynchsmere
> 
> peace love gay rights xoxo


End file.
